people change, and the past is water under the bridge
I have siblings, and they all live way north of me.
I have a brother and sister who live in the Philadelphia suburbs and a brother in North/Central Jersey who works in "the city" (as if there is no other).
My brother who lives outside Philly took a while to grow up. He got himself in early trouble with the law for drug and alcohol issues, which culminated in a 2 week stint in jail at one time, followed by rehab. Apparently, for him, that was what it took to wake up, because he left that experience saying he never wanted to go through anything like it again, and to my knowledge, he's straightened himself out nicely. That all happened about 10 - 15 years ago, and I don't think he's had a drink since. Yes, at the time, it was a painful thing for all of us. You could never rely on him for anything and my parents kept "lending" him money, never expecting to see it again. You'd talk to him and he'd tell you he'd do something you needed him to do and then...just when you hoped this time he'd come through, he'd disappoint again. I asked him to do things for no other reason than to give him a chance to show he'd changed, and got burned quite a bit. For example, I asked him to be the youngster's godfather at his baptism, and he agreed and seemed excited. I felt guilty making backup plans, but I felt like I had better do that, just in case. In the end, those plans came in handy, because he blew us all off...again.
That was 13 years ago though, and a lot has changed since then. To start with, there was the whole jail/rehab thing, and when he got finished with that, he got a great job that he's had since then, and met a woman who helped him turn his life around. He married that woman, who had a daughter from a previous relationship...and he helped put that daughter through college. I know one time, talking to my mom, she mentioned he was paying back all the money they gave him. He and his family are great people, and I'm happy with who my brother has become. I love spending time with them when I'm up there. He and I are good friends. We talk on the phone every now and then. He's like the prodigal son/brother...to everyone except my sister.
She lives less than a half hour drive from him, yet they never see each other. My brother does Christmas at his house each year. My parents drive two hours to get there. My other brother drives about the same. My sister won't go. She still can't get past his past, and is still looking for ways to punish him for it all. She won't let go of the pain and disappointment he gave everyone 15 years ago, and while I acknowledge that he did those things for a long time, he's trying to make up for it. To do that though, we all have to give him that opportunity. I have, and it's been at least as much a gift to me as it has to him. I have my brother back. My sister...I feel sorry for her. She's losing her chance to have that. One day, I hope she figures that out, and gets back some of what she's throwing away.
I have a brother and sister who live in the Philadelphia suburbs and a brother in North/Central Jersey who works in "the city" (as if there is no other).
My brother who lives outside Philly took a while to grow up. He got himself in early trouble with the law for drug and alcohol issues, which culminated in a 2 week stint in jail at one time, followed by rehab. Apparently, for him, that was what it took to wake up, because he left that experience saying he never wanted to go through anything like it again, and to my knowledge, he's straightened himself out nicely. That all happened about 10 - 15 years ago, and I don't think he's had a drink since. Yes, at the time, it was a painful thing for all of us. You could never rely on him for anything and my parents kept "lending" him money, never expecting to see it again. You'd talk to him and he'd tell you he'd do something you needed him to do and then...just when you hoped this time he'd come through, he'd disappoint again. I asked him to do things for no other reason than to give him a chance to show he'd changed, and got burned quite a bit. For example, I asked him to be the youngster's godfather at his baptism, and he agreed and seemed excited. I felt guilty making backup plans, but I felt like I had better do that, just in case. In the end, those plans came in handy, because he blew us all off...again.
That was 13 years ago though, and a lot has changed since then. To start with, there was the whole jail/rehab thing, and when he got finished with that, he got a great job that he's had since then, and met a woman who helped him turn his life around. He married that woman, who had a daughter from a previous relationship...and he helped put that daughter through college. I know one time, talking to my mom, she mentioned he was paying back all the money they gave him. He and his family are great people, and I'm happy with who my brother has become. I love spending time with them when I'm up there. He and I are good friends. We talk on the phone every now and then. He's like the prodigal son/brother...to everyone except my sister.
She lives less than a half hour drive from him, yet they never see each other. My brother does Christmas at his house each year. My parents drive two hours to get there. My other brother drives about the same. My sister won't go. She still can't get past his past, and is still looking for ways to punish him for it all. She won't let go of the pain and disappointment he gave everyone 15 years ago, and while I acknowledge that he did those things for a long time, he's trying to make up for it. To do that though, we all have to give him that opportunity. I have, and it's been at least as much a gift to me as it has to him. I have my brother back. My sister...I feel sorry for her. She's losing her chance to have that. One day, I hope she figures that out, and gets back some of what she's throwing away.
Labels: Family Stuff
John put this out here at 2:43 PM
1 Comments:
Grudges can really lesson your life, I think. I'm putting all mine behind me, whether others involved do or not. Life's too short to hold them dear, when you can embrace other good feelings instead.
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