the scavenger hunt from hell
I do the grocery shopping for stately Lumberyard Manor. I have for years. I'm not sure where that started, why or when. It just sort-of evolved that way.
I know the grocery store inside and out. I know where everything we use is. Grocery stores aren't all the same, I know. If I go to another chain, I'm lost, but I know MY grocery store. Before I go, we make a list as a family. My rule is, if you want it, put it on the list. I'll get the stuff on the list if it's at all possible. I will come home with things that aren't on the list too, but if you want to make sure it comes home with me, make sure it's on my list, or come along for the ride.
Mom-in law was in town this weekend, and mom-in-law is a baker. We were apparently out of toothpicks, so she put toothpicks on my list. The wife saw this recipe in a book. It called for putting those little friend onion thingies you always see on green bean casseroles, on mashed potatoes. She wanted to try that, so it went on the list. I was grilling Fillet Mignon for Mother's Day dinner, so the wife wanted Bearnaise Sauce, which can be made from scratch, but I'm not Betty Crocker...I know there's a mix. On the list. There was plenty of other stuff on the list, but those were some of the items that were out of the ordinary. Off I went to the store.
Well, I know where most stuff is...all the stuff we normally get. Toothpicks threw me. I went to the baking aisle, figuring that had to be the place. I was staring at everything between the birthday candles and cupcake wrapper thingies, and baking powder, and baking soda, and baking everything else...no toothpicks. What the hell. Gotta be here somewhere. I made a second pass, and a third. No toothpicks. Damn! Where else could they be? I thought, well, they're toothpicks...maybe by the dental stuff. I went for the toothpaste and toothbrushes...but alas...no toothpicks. Then I did the thing no man does. I asked....and got led down the paper products aisle...by the paper plates and napkins. Toothpicks. Who knew? Next those fried onion things. I tried the snack aisle, the veggies, canned and fresh, nuts, and sunflower seeds. I tried the frozen stuff, where the onion rings are. I even tried the ethnic foods by the chow mien noodles, thinking maybe "crunchy things you throw on food" are grouped together. Again, I gave up and had to ask. Those turned out to be in one of the places I looked (by the canned green beans), but obviously not hard enough in the one little spot on the bottom shelf. Bearnaise Sauce...I got this one. I know where the damn sauces are. If not there, they have all the marinade stuff down the condiments aisle (another amazing concept...condom-mints, combining fresh breath and...a topic for another day), so I'm hitting the sauce aisle and...no Bearnaise Sauce. They got every other kind of sauce known to man, but no Bearnaise. Thoughts start creeping in like, "Maybe it's supposed to be here (because it really is supposed to be here, since here's where I'm looking), and they're just out." Nothing with the marinade stuff, either...no Bearnaise...so...damn where next? Soups, maybe? Again, I threw up the white flag and asked...the same lady as the first two times...who now thinks I'm the male equivalent of a bimbo (bimbum perhaps?). She tries to sound sympathetic, "Oh I know all the other sauces are over there, and I don't know why we put the Bearnaise Sauce over here, but this is where it is..."
I know now though.
I came home and the wife looked at her watch and asked where I'd been. I told her the story, and she laughed...with me, not at me. Riiiiiight.
I know the grocery store inside and out. I know where everything we use is. Grocery stores aren't all the same, I know. If I go to another chain, I'm lost, but I know MY grocery store. Before I go, we make a list as a family. My rule is, if you want it, put it on the list. I'll get the stuff on the list if it's at all possible. I will come home with things that aren't on the list too, but if you want to make sure it comes home with me, make sure it's on my list, or come along for the ride.
Mom-in law was in town this weekend, and mom-in-law is a baker. We were apparently out of toothpicks, so she put toothpicks on my list. The wife saw this recipe in a book. It called for putting those little friend onion thingies you always see on green bean casseroles, on mashed potatoes. She wanted to try that, so it went on the list. I was grilling Fillet Mignon for Mother's Day dinner, so the wife wanted Bearnaise Sauce, which can be made from scratch, but I'm not Betty Crocker...I know there's a mix. On the list. There was plenty of other stuff on the list, but those were some of the items that were out of the ordinary. Off I went to the store.
Well, I know where most stuff is...all the stuff we normally get. Toothpicks threw me. I went to the baking aisle, figuring that had to be the place. I was staring at everything between the birthday candles and cupcake wrapper thingies, and baking powder, and baking soda, and baking everything else...no toothpicks. What the hell. Gotta be here somewhere. I made a second pass, and a third. No toothpicks. Damn! Where else could they be? I thought, well, they're toothpicks...maybe by the dental stuff. I went for the toothpaste and toothbrushes...but alas...no toothpicks. Then I did the thing no man does. I asked....and got led down the paper products aisle...by the paper plates and napkins. Toothpicks. Who knew? Next those fried onion things. I tried the snack aisle, the veggies, canned and fresh, nuts, and sunflower seeds. I tried the frozen stuff, where the onion rings are. I even tried the ethnic foods by the chow mien noodles, thinking maybe "crunchy things you throw on food" are grouped together. Again, I gave up and had to ask. Those turned out to be in one of the places I looked (by the canned green beans), but obviously not hard enough in the one little spot on the bottom shelf. Bearnaise Sauce...I got this one. I know where the damn sauces are. If not there, they have all the marinade stuff down the condiments aisle (another amazing concept...condom-mints, combining fresh breath and...a topic for another day), so I'm hitting the sauce aisle and...no Bearnaise Sauce. They got every other kind of sauce known to man, but no Bearnaise. Thoughts start creeping in like, "Maybe it's supposed to be here (because it really is supposed to be here, since here's where I'm looking), and they're just out." Nothing with the marinade stuff, either...no Bearnaise...so...damn where next? Soups, maybe? Again, I threw up the white flag and asked...the same lady as the first two times...who now thinks I'm the male equivalent of a bimbo (bimbum perhaps?). She tries to sound sympathetic, "Oh I know all the other sauces are over there, and I don't know why we put the Bearnaise Sauce over here, but this is where it is..."
I know now though.
I came home and the wife looked at her watch and asked where I'd been. I told her the story, and she laughed...with me, not at me. Riiiiiight.
Labels: Family Stuff
John put this out here at 7:05 AM
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