you say tomato, I say tomaaahhhhto, you say colonoscopy, I say no freakin' way
Went to see Mr. My Doctor yesterday, because frankly, I haven't been insulted enough lately, so I had to go pay this guy to do it.
It began with the usual..."I'd really like to see you drop 15 pounds...more than that actually, but for now I'll settle for 15." Thanks so much. That's what I came for. We talked about a few other things and then the discussion took a new turn...right up my ass.
Doc: You're 51 years old now, we should probably schedule a colonoscopy.
Me: WHAT??? Why would we want to do that?
Doc: Because you're 51 years old.
Me: Can you give me a better reason, because that's not really cutting it for me.
Doc: Really, the procedure's not that bad. You'll snore right through it.
Me: It's not the procedure I'm avoiding. It's the 24 hours before it, when you make me drink a 50 gallon drum of the liquid that turns me into a human shit cannon. Mom-in-law stays with us when she goes to Mayo for hers. I know when that's happening because we don't see her at all that day, and one bathroom in the house is unusable by anyone else....because her ass is on it and numb from going to sleep after the first hour. She takes about 12 novels she's been dying to read in there, and stays put. When she goes in for the colonoscopy, she's very ready to sleep, because she she just pulled an all-nighter on the toilet. She's afraid of what might happen if she dozed off in her bed and couldn't get back in time. Brings a whole new meaning to "scared shitless."
Doc: Well, yes, the day before can be unpleasant.
Me: Thank you Captain Understatement.
He then when through several attempts to get me to where I'd have him schedule the thing...soon. I pushed him back to at least 4 years from now. I tried to explain that giving me the medical equivalent of the date rape drug, and then shoving a sex toy with a camera on the end of it up my ass could be construed as a crime in several Florida counties. Next to a pervert taking camera phone pictures up skirts, he's looking a whole lot more guilty. Excuse me if I'm not overly enthusiastic. Don't give me that "but I'm a doctor" line either. It didn't work in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I'm not quite ready to let it slide with him. I don't have that many rules in my life, but one is to avoid anything that ends in the phrase 'oscopy' at all costs.
Then to top it off, I go to check out and make my next appointment and the receptionist says, "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
Me: That depends.
Rec: Well, at least you're not overweight. He really lights into those people.
Me: He told me to lose 15 pounds.
Rec (very surprised): No way! You're pretty slim.
Me: Well, that what he said.
Rec (shaking her head): He's a real piece of work.
No shit.
It began with the usual..."I'd really like to see you drop 15 pounds...more than that actually, but for now I'll settle for 15." Thanks so much. That's what I came for. We talked about a few other things and then the discussion took a new turn...right up my ass.
Doc: You're 51 years old now, we should probably schedule a colonoscopy.
Me: WHAT??? Why would we want to do that?
Doc: Because you're 51 years old.
Me: Can you give me a better reason, because that's not really cutting it for me.
Doc: Really, the procedure's not that bad. You'll snore right through it.
Me: It's not the procedure I'm avoiding. It's the 24 hours before it, when you make me drink a 50 gallon drum of the liquid that turns me into a human shit cannon. Mom-in-law stays with us when she goes to Mayo for hers. I know when that's happening because we don't see her at all that day, and one bathroom in the house is unusable by anyone else....because her ass is on it and numb from going to sleep after the first hour. She takes about 12 novels she's been dying to read in there, and stays put. When she goes in for the colonoscopy, she's very ready to sleep, because she she just pulled an all-nighter on the toilet. She's afraid of what might happen if she dozed off in her bed and couldn't get back in time. Brings a whole new meaning to "scared shitless."
Doc: Well, yes, the day before can be unpleasant.
Me: Thank you Captain Understatement.
He then when through several attempts to get me to where I'd have him schedule the thing...soon. I pushed him back to at least 4 years from now. I tried to explain that giving me the medical equivalent of the date rape drug, and then shoving a sex toy with a camera on the end of it up my ass could be construed as a crime in several Florida counties. Next to a pervert taking camera phone pictures up skirts, he's looking a whole lot more guilty. Excuse me if I'm not overly enthusiastic. Don't give me that "but I'm a doctor" line either. It didn't work in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I'm not quite ready to let it slide with him. I don't have that many rules in my life, but one is to avoid anything that ends in the phrase 'oscopy' at all costs.
Then to top it off, I go to check out and make my next appointment and the receptionist says, "That wasn't so bad, was it?"
Me: That depends.
Rec: Well, at least you're not overweight. He really lights into those people.
Me: He told me to lose 15 pounds.
Rec (very surprised): No way! You're pretty slim.
Me: Well, that what he said.
Rec (shaking her head): He's a real piece of work.
No shit.
Labels: It's all about me
John put this out here at 7:19 AM
1 Comments:
that is TOO DAMN FUNNY. Of course, it's not MY ASS he's talking about.
LOLOLOL
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