five easy pieces
I have been inspired!
After watching Oprah Winfrey rip James Frey a new one for how he slightly exaggerated his exploits in his book, A Million Little Pieces, I decided it's time for me to come clean and admit to the world that I never did half of what I claimed to do. I did come close though, or at least as close as James did.
I'm sorry I told everyone that I was born into a military family and that we struggled financially. I was born though, sort-of. I have no parents. Remember the famed test tube baby? That's me. I'm all grown up now.
I didn't attend either Villanova University or the University of North Florida. It therefore stands to reason I didn't graduate Summa Cum Laude either. I don't even know what that means. Hell, I don't even speak French! I did go to school though. I was a classmate of Jethro Bodine's. We practiced our gazintas together, and both made it through the third grade.
I didn't fly for the Navy, but I did draw a picture of an airplane once. It only had one wing, so maybe it's a good thing I never learned to fly. Neither did I teach anyone to fly, but I did teach Billy Purvis how to make fart noises with his armpit in kindergarten. After that his mom told my mom I couldn't play with him anymore, but that might have had more to do with the beer on his breath.
I don't do anything with computers. I can't even spell 'computer'. I've seen 'em though, while scraping gum off the underside of tables before some expo show at the convention center, so I know what they look like.
There is no youngster. I don't have a child but I was one once.
I don't play golf either. Ask anyone I go to a golf course with. They'll tell you I do something, but calling it golf would be a gross overexaggeration, and undeserved compliment.
My name isn't really John. My name is Constantine (damn those people they trust with test tubes), but that got me beat up a lot as a kid. I liked the name John because it's slang for toilets and prostitution customers...both of which I thought were pretty cool, so I grabbed all of that. Much like tattoos, sometimes what you thought was cool when you were fourteen doesn't quite cut it when you're older.
Just thought y'all should know. I feel much better now.
After watching Oprah Winfrey rip James Frey a new one for how he slightly exaggerated his exploits in his book, A Million Little Pieces, I decided it's time for me to come clean and admit to the world that I never did half of what I claimed to do. I did come close though, or at least as close as James did.
I'm sorry I told everyone that I was born into a military family and that we struggled financially. I was born though, sort-of. I have no parents. Remember the famed test tube baby? That's me. I'm all grown up now.
I didn't attend either Villanova University or the University of North Florida. It therefore stands to reason I didn't graduate Summa Cum Laude either. I don't even know what that means. Hell, I don't even speak French! I did go to school though. I was a classmate of Jethro Bodine's. We practiced our gazintas together, and both made it through the third grade.
I didn't fly for the Navy, but I did draw a picture of an airplane once. It only had one wing, so maybe it's a good thing I never learned to fly. Neither did I teach anyone to fly, but I did teach Billy Purvis how to make fart noises with his armpit in kindergarten. After that his mom told my mom I couldn't play with him anymore, but that might have had more to do with the beer on his breath.
I don't do anything with computers. I can't even spell 'computer'. I've seen 'em though, while scraping gum off the underside of tables before some expo show at the convention center, so I know what they look like.
There is no youngster. I don't have a child but I was one once.
I don't play golf either. Ask anyone I go to a golf course with. They'll tell you I do something, but calling it golf would be a gross overexaggeration, and undeserved compliment.
My name isn't really John. My name is Constantine (damn those people they trust with test tubes), but that got me beat up a lot as a kid. I liked the name John because it's slang for toilets and prostitution customers...both of which I thought were pretty cool, so I grabbed all of that. Much like tattoos, sometimes what you thought was cool when you were fourteen doesn't quite cut it when you're older.
Just thought y'all should know. I feel much better now.
John put this out here at 10:10 AM
1 Comments:
Priceless! You're too much, J.
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